Dear fellow traveler, if you’re looking for yet another delightful “Top 10 Things to do in Washington, D.C. list,” you have opened the wrong page. For starters, you will notice – if you have any talent for counting at all – that this list does not contain ten items. A list of ten would suggest a sense of completeness and order that simply does not exist in this wretched world. These recommendations are culled from my own harrowing experiences, though I have included a few locations I have not yet visited, solely because I have heard whispers of their greatness and feel a desperate, perhaps foolish, urge to see them for myself before something goes horribly wrong. 

I must caution you: while the tone of this guide is somewhat grim, the logistical information contained within is – most distressingly – entirely accurate. I have meticulously recorded prices and logistical advice with a level of accuracy that is frankly exhausting. Every detail was correct at the time this document was published, though in a world as unstable as ours, accurate is a word that should always be whispered with a note of caution. You may use this information to plan your journey with terrifying efficiency, though why you would want to arrive at your destination any sooner is a mystery that I have no desire to solve.

A person of a truly miserable disposition, which I must admit is the only disposition worth having in these trying times, may find themselves walking through a city filled with imposing marble buildings and a great many memorials to things both triumphant and deeply sorrowful. This place, known as Washington, D.C., is a city of contradictions. For every grand monument to a noble idea, there is the unsettling knowledge of the political squabbles and bitter disagreements that took place to build it. For every museum filled with wonders and artifacts, there is the dreary certainty that it will be packed with schoolchildren on a field trip, all of them clamoring to see the very same thing you had hoped to see in peace. You may be told, by a person of a more optimistic and uninformed nature, that this city offers a wealth of must-see attractions. I have been tasked with cataloging some of these places, a task I take very seriously. Do not mistake this for an invitation to joy, but rather as a solemn warning of the solemn, and often quite tiresome, events that may lie ahead.

If this is your first stop in the United States, read these Travel Warnings about the Real USA Experience.

Best Things to See and Do in Washington, D.C. (And Why They Might Disappoint You)

In any given metropolis, there is a list of Best Things to See and Do, an optimistic and misleading phrase that suggests these activities will be entirely delightful and without peril. Such a list, however, is merely a catalog of places where one can witness something curious, or perhaps even perform a curious deed oneself. One should approach this list with caution and a healthy dose of suspicion, as no one can truly promise that what you see and do will be anything but an experience of dreadful consequence.

While I endeavor to furnish you with the costs of regular adult admission for the various locales of interest, you must understand that the proprietors of these places will almost certainly offer lesser prices for children, students, the elderly, and other groups in order to make a simple transaction more complicated. You should also be aware that an alarming number of Washington, D.C.’s museums, memorials, and parks are entirely free. 

Monuments to Misfortune & Morbidity

These attractions force the visitor to confront profound injustice, historical trauma, human cruelty, death, and the unpleasant physical realities of existence.

Wander the haunting halls of Ford’s Theatre

Website | Map | Tickets

• What the guides say: This functional theater is known as the location where President Abraham Lincoln’s life was ended in 1865. One may observe the presidential seating area and visit a museum located beneath the stage, which contains the specific firearm used by John Wilkes Booth. Directly across the street is the house where the president spent his final hours.
• What they don’t tell you: A theater, a place of imagined drama and controlled emotion, is rarely a site of true, unspeakable tragedy. And yet, this particular venue remains forever stained by the most famous and dreadful assassination in American history. You can sit in a restored balcony and contemplate the precise spot where a certain actor made his final, dramatic, and unforgivable performance. 
• Go for: The historic site of President Abraham Lincoln’s assassination and a world-class working theater.
• Cost: Approximately $5 for a historical site visit (advance reservation fee); show tickets vary.
• Planning Tip: Your ticket usually includes the theater, the museum, and the Petersen House across the street.
• Restoration: The theater remained closed for 100 years after the assassination before being restored and reopened in 1968.
• Photography: Photos are allowed in the theater, but flash is prohibited. Capture the flagged Presidential Box, which remains draped as it was in 1865.
• Verdict: It is a place of controlled drama forever stained by a truly unforgivable performance, but you must sit in the balcony to witness where history broke.

Unearth ghastly specimens at the National Museum of Health and Medicine

Website | Map

• What the guides say: Situated away from the primary cluster of buildings, this museum chronicles the history of military medical practices. It contains a collection of anatomical parts and historical tools used by doctors. Notable items include the projectile that struck President Lincoln and pieces of his cranium, which are displayed for scientific study.
• What they don’t tell you: Should the usual museums fail to satisfy your morbid curiosity, a visit to this establishment is in order. It is a treasury of the physically upsetting, including, most infamously, the bullet that killed President Lincoln, fragments of his skull, and various other human biological specimens preserved for the sake of science – a pursuit often indistinguishable from horror. The squeamish, and really all reasonable people, should avoid it entirely. 
• Go for: A fascinating (and sometimes macabre) look at military medicine, including the bullet that killed Lincoln.
• Cost: Free.
• Planning Tip: This museum is located in Silver Spring, MD, about 20-30 minutes north of the National Mall.
• Photography: The Brain Collection is visually striking but requires a steady hand due to the glass reflections.
• Origins: The museum was founded during the Civil War to collect specimens for the study of battlefield trauma.
• Verdict: A treasury of physically upsetting specimens and presidential skull fragments that is far too macabre for reasonable people, which is why you must go.

Visit Arlington National Cemetery for a profound and permanent meditation on finality and loss

Website | Map

• What the guides say: Located across the Potomac River, this site serves as the burial ground for more than 400,000 members of the military. Visitors may observe the formal ritual of the Changing of the Guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and see the eternal flame at the grave of John F. Kennedy. The landscape is marked by many rows of identical white markers.
• What they don’t tell you: A place where the remains of those who have made the ultimate sacrifice are neatly organized on a rolling green hillside. It is a vast, beautiful place, which only makes the sadness of it all the more pronounced. A true testament to the fact that even the noblest of intentions often result in the most tragic of ends.
• Go for: The hallowed grounds of 400,000+ service members, the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, and the Kennedy gravesites.
• Cost: Free.
• Best Time: On the hour (and half-hour in summer) for the Changing of the Guard ceremony.
• Photography: From the front of Arlington House, you get one of the best straight-shot views of the Lincoln Memorial and Capitol Building across the river (Map).
• Planning Tip: It is massive; wear very comfortable shoes or pay for the narrated tram tour to save your legs.
• Verdict: The rows of identical white markers are a profound testament to the tragedy of noble intentions, making this rolling hillside an essential, somber pilgrimage.

Gaze directly into the abyss of your own mortality at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial

Website | Map

• What the guides say: This monument consists of a wall of polished black stone inscribed with the names of over 58,000 individuals who died or went missing during the Vietnam War. The surface is reflective, allowing those who stand before it to see their own images among the names. It is frequently described as a place that evokes strong emotions in those who visit.
• What they don’t tell you: A long, silent scar of black granite etched with names. If you are inclined to walk along it, you will notice that the stone is so polished that you will see your own miserable reflection staring back at you amongst the names of the lost. The architects of such monuments seem determined to make sure that the living are never permitted to forget that death is both vast and final.
• Go for: The Wall of Names, a powerful, reflective black granite monument etched with 58,000+ names.
• Cost: Free.
• Photography: The wall is highly reflective; capture the reflection of the Washington Monument in the granite for a symbolic shot.
• Best Time: Early morning or night. At night, the lighting makes the names appear to glow.
• Organization: Use the printed directories at the ends of the wall if you are looking for a specific name; they are organized by date of casualty.
• Verdict: ​​The polished black granite acts as a mirror, forcing you to see your own reflection among the lost, ensuring the abyss of mortality is never forgotten.

Witness the limitless capacity of humanity for true evil at the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum

Website | Map | Tickets

• What the guides say: This institution is the official national memorial regarding the Holocaust. It utilizes a chronological exhibition to detail the events of the Nazi era through the use of artifacts and recorded accounts from survivors. The museum’s purpose is to educate the public on the consequences of hatred and the concept of personal responsibility.
• What they don’t tell you: This is a place of such unmitigated and well-documented horror that I cannot, in good conscience, even attempt to describe it. It is a necessary testament to the fact that the wickedness in this world is as vast as it is inescapable. 
• Go for: A deeply moving and educational narrative of the Holocaust.
• Cost: Free (but a $1 online transaction fee for timed entry tickets is required March – August).
• Planning Tip: The Permanent Exhibition takes about 2-3 hours and is very intense; plan for some quiet time afterward.
• Identification: Upon entry, you receive an “ID card” of a real person who lived through the Holocaust to follow their story.
• Photography: Photography is not permitted in the Permanent Exhibition, but the Hall of Remembrance is a beautiful, somber space where it is allowed.
• Verdict: This is a documented record of inescapable wickedness that no words can properly describe.

Experience the chill of the Korean War Veterans Memorial

Website | Map

• What the guides say: Located near the monument to President Lincoln, this site includes 19 statues made of stainless steel that represent a group of soldiers on patrol. The figures are depicted wearing ponchos and moving across uneven ground. A nearby granite wall is etched with thousands of faces, and there is a circular pool intended for quiet contemplation.
• What they don’t tell you: Unlike the grand, triumphant monuments, this memorial is a dark, unsettling ambush. Nineteen stainless steel statues, appearing haggard and isolated, trudge through an artificial field of scrub. The entire display creates a profound sense of cold, anonymous sacrifice – a miserable scene to witness in any season.
• Go for: The 19 stainless steel statues of soldiers moving through a juniper field, representing the rugged terrain of Korea.
• Cost: Free.
• Best Time: During a light rain or mist; it adds to the eerie, realistic atmosphere the sculptor intended.
• Photography: The Mural Wall features over 2,400 faces sandblasted into the granite – they look best in the late afternoon sun.
• Verdict: Nineteen haggard, stainless steel statues create an unsettling ambush of anonymous sacrifice that feels most authentically miserable in a cold, gray mist.

Be prepared to confront the most inconvenient truths at the African American History and Culture Museum

Website | Map | Tickets

• What the guides say: The most recent addition to the Smithsonian museums is housed in a building with a bronze-colored exterior. The exhibits are arranged to guide visitors from the history of slavery to modern achievements in music and politics. The structure consists of multiple levels that provide a comprehensive account of the African American experience.
• What they don’t tell you: A building dedicated to stories that have been, for a truly astonishing period of time, swept under the rug of history by a number of profoundly unpleasant people. You will enter hoping for a pleasant and edifying afternoon, but you will leave with the distressing realization that society is, as a rule, a vast engine of indifference and cruelty. Like all true histories, it is utterly heartbreaking, and I advise you to stay home. 
• Go for: A journey from the era of slavery to the present day, housed in a striking bronze-colored “Corona” building.
• Cost: Free (Timed entry passes are mandatory and often book up weeks in advance).
• Planning Tip: Start at the bottom (History Galleries) and work your way up to the Culture Galleries for a chronological experience.
• Lunch: The Sweet Home Café (Website) inside is widely considered the best museum cafeteria in D.C.
• Photography: The Contemplative Court water fountain is a serene spot for architectural photography.
• Verdict: A heartbreaking journey through stories long suppressed by indifferent people; you will leave distressed by society’s cruelty, which is exactly why it is mandatory.

Dwell on history’s most profound injustices at the National Museum of the American Indian

Website | Map

• What the guides say: This museum is dedicated to the history and languages of indigenous peoples and is housed in a curved building designed to look like a rock formation. It contains a large collection of native art and woven fabrics. The Mitsitam Cafe is located inside and serves food inspired by various regions of the Americas, such as bison.
• What they don’t tell you: A building dedicated to commemorating a history of prolonged suffering, displacement, and the systematic failure of one group of people to treat another with anything approaching decency. It is yet another depressing reminder that even the deepest injustices are eventually relegated to a glass display case. 
• Go for: The stunning curvilinear architecture and the vast collection of indigenous art and history.
• Cost: Free.
• Architecture: The building is designed to look like a natural rock formation carved by wind and water over centuries.
• Lunch: The Mitsitam Cafe inside (Website) serves indigenous cuisines from across the Americas (try something with fry bread!).
• Landscape: The native landscaping outside includes 40 grandfather rocks and a wetland area that feels worlds away from the city.
• Verdict: The curved stone architecture masks a depressing history of systemic injustice now relegated to glass cases, but the indigenous fry bread is a necessary comfort.

Take a grim look at the Exorcist Steps

Map

• What the guides say: These 75 stone steps in the Georgetown neighborhood were used as a filming location for a specific 1973 horror film. They connect two different streets at different elevations. A plaque at the bottom of the stairs acknowledges their role in the film, and local residents often use them for the purpose of strenuous physical exercise.
• What they don’t tell you: In the quiet, cobblestone confines of Georgetown, there exists a set of stone steps so steep and so unforgiving that they were used in a truly frightening motion picture. To walk up them is an act of unnecessary exertion, and to stand at the top is to feel a lingering, unpleasant horror, which is perhaps the most authentic of all human experiences.
• Go for: The famous, steep stone stairs used in the climax of the 1973 horror film The Exorcist.
• Cost: Free.
• Landmark: There is a plaque at the bottom of the steps officially recognizing them as a D.C. landmark and spooky tourist destination.
• Photography: Shoot from the bottom looking up to emphasize the height (75 steps) and the dramatic incline.
• Verdict: Walking these 75 steep steps is an act of unnecessary physical exertion and lingering horror, yet standing at the top is the peak Georgetown experience.

Visit the Museum of the Bible for a collection of ancient miseries and cautionary tales

Website | Map | Tickets

• What the guides say: This institution uses modern technology to present the history and narratives found in the Bible. It includes a replica of a first-century village and a collection of ancient written documents. The building features a large room with windows that provide a view of the city’s Capitol building.
• What they don’t tell you: A place dedicated to a very long book that contains, among other things, several stories of murder and floods and a surprising number of dreadful punishments. You will find that very few parts of it can be described as pleasant, which is, of course, why people feel the need to construct entire cheerful buildings around it. 
• Go for: High-tech, immersive exhibits exploring the history, narrative, and impact of the Bible.
• Cost: Approximately $34.99, although half-price admission is offered daily after 3 p.m.
• Flight Simulator: Don’t miss the Washington Revelations flight simulator; it’s a fun, motion-based ride.
• Grand Hall: The Grand Hall features a 140-foot-long LED ceiling that changes scenes constantly.
• Doors: The front doors are massive bronze plates featuring the text of Genesis 1 in Latin.
• Verdict: A high-tech monument to a book filled with ancient miseries and floods; pay the impressive entry fee to see how humans mask tragedy with grandeur.

Grandeur, Dissonance, & Administrative Gloom

This category is for the massive, official buildings dedicated to governance, law, and history, which often mask profound national contradictions or lead to intellectual exhaustion.

Be dazzled and distressed at the Library of Congress

Website | Map | Tickets

• What the guides say: The Thomas Jefferson Building is noted for its elaborate interior, which includes mosaics and marble columns. It is the largest library in the world and contains an original Gutenberg Bible. Visitors are permitted to look into the Main Reading Room, which is a circular space used by researchers and scholars.
• What they don’t tell you: One might expect a library to be a tranquil haven of paper and hushed tones, but this particular establishment is less a quiet sanctuary and more a bewilderingly ornate temple to the printed word. It is a place so rich with architectural flourishes – marble, mosaics, and murals – that one can barely focus on the millions of dreary government documents it holds. It is a spectacle of lavish decoration that seems deeply suspicious for a building dedicated to information. 
• Go for: What many call the most beautiful room in America – the Great Hall and the Main Reading Room.
• Cost: Free (Timed-entry tickets are required and available online).
• Planning Tip: Be sure to visit the Main Reading Room, a space of such magnificent and overwhelming scale that it is certain to make the average visitor feel hopelessly insignificant. 
• Photography: You cannot take photos inside the Main Reading Room itself, but you can photograph it from the overlook gallery above.
• Superlative: It is the largest library in the world, with more than 170 million items.
• Gutenberg Bible: Look for the Gutenberg Bible on the first floor; it’s one of only three perfect vellum copies in existence.
• Verdict: It is a bewilderingly ornate temple to the printed word that makes you feel hopelessly insignificant, but the Great Hall is the most beautiful room in the country.

Witness bureaucracy at the National Archives Museum

Website | Map | General Admission Tickets | Timed-Entry Tickets

• What the guides say: This building is the storage location for the country’s founding documents. Within a circular room called the Rotunda, the original Constitution and Declaration of Independence are kept behind protective glass. The museum also contains a large number of other government documents and photographs in its vaults.
• What they don’t tell you: This is the vault where the most fundamental, yet occasionally vague, documents of the nation are kept: the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights. Standing before these faded, carefully protected parchments, one might expect a feeling of soaring patriotism. Instead, one feels the dull thud of history and the dreadful realization that all of one’s rights are based on these fragile, strangely-spelled scraps of sheepskin. 
• Go for: The Charters of Freedom – the original Declaration of Independence, Constitution, and Bill of Rights.
• Cost: Free (Advance reservations recommended; spend $1 to cut the line with a timed-entry ticket).
• Photography: Photography is strictly prohibited in the Rotunda to protect the documents from light damage.
• Planning Tip: The line for the Rotunda can be long; go early or late in the day to minimize wait times.
• Magna Carta: You can also see a 1297 copy of the Magna Carta here.
• Verdict: Standing before fragile scraps of sheepskin that hold all your rights is a dull, sobering realization, yet seeing the original Constitution is a non-negotiable rite.

Take the grand tour of the United States Capitol Building

Website | Map | Tour Reservations

• What the guides say: This is the location where the legislative branch of the government conducts its business. It is constructed of white marble and features a large dome made of cast iron. Tours of the building include a visit to the Crypt and the Rotunda, which contains several large paintings depicting historical events.
• What they don’t tell you: The very center of American political struggle, this building is a monument to compromise, disagreement, and the endless, exhausting spectacle of governance. Tours allow you to walk through halls of polished stone and gaze up at the great dome, a structure that seems too magnificent for the bitter squabbles that take place beneath it. It is a physical manifestation of a profound national dissonance. 
• Go for: The heart of American democracy and the stunning Brumidi frescoes in the Rotunda.
• Cost: Tours are free, but one is encouraged to make a reservation online.
• Planning Tip: Visitors without reservations are encouraged to arrive at the Capitol Visitor Center as early in the day as possible in hopes of securing a tour. 
• Crypt: There is a crypt directly below the Rotunda that was originally intended to hold the body of George Washington (he is buried at Mt. Vernon instead).
• Accoustics: The Statuary Hall has unique acoustics; stand in one spot and you can hear a whisper from across the room.
• Verdict: A magnificent marble monument to a nation eternally at odds with itself, but the Brumidi frescoes in the Rotunda are a spectacular visual distraction from the squabbles.

Contemplate the uncomfortable paradoxes of human character at the Thomas Jefferson Memorial

Website | Map

• What the guides say: Designed after the Pantheon in Rome, this circular structure honors the man who wrote the Declaration of Independence. A 19-foot-tall statue of the man stands inside, surrounded by passages from his writings. The site is often visited when the nearby cherry trees are in bloom.
• What they don’t tell you: A colossal, domed structure dedicated to a man who, like many people in history, believed some truly remarkable things while simultaneously doing some truly reprehensible ones. It is a place of grand, blinding-white stone, perfectly suited for contemplating the inherent flaws in all our so-called heroes.
• Go for: The neoclassical open-air monument dedicated to the author of the Declaration of Independence.
• Cost: Free.
• Best Time: During the Cherry Blossom Festival (late March/early April | Website) or at night when the crowds thin out.
• Photography: Take the shot from across the Tidal Basin to capture the memorial’s reflection in the water.
• Surveillance: Jefferson is looking directly at the White House – some say it’s so he can keep an eye on the President.
• Verdict: The blinding-white stone is perfect for contemplating the flaws of our complicated heroes, especially when framed by the fleeting beauty of cherry blossoms.

Consider the weight of the Lincoln Memorial

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• What the guides say: This structure at the end of the National Mall contains a very large statue of the 16th president sitting in a chair. It has been the location of many significant public gatherings and speeches. From the top of the stairs, one can see the Reflecting Pool and a tall stone monument dedicated to George Washington.
• What they don’t tell you: This towering structure is not merely a statue; it is a heavy, marble throne upon which a colossal, brooding figure sits. To stand beneath the weight of his granite gaze and read the eloquent, profoundly sad words inscribed on the walls is to realize that the grandest expressions of unity are born from the deepest, most terrible conflicts. It is a monument to a nation eternally at war with itself.
• Go for: The towering 19-foot marble statue of Abraham Lincoln and the site of the “I Have a Dream” speech.
• Cost: Free.
• Best Time: Visit at night; it is far less crowded, and the lighting on the marble is hauntingly beautiful.
• Photography: Stand at the top of the steps for the classic shot of the Reflecting Pool with the Washington Monument perfectly centered.
• Robert E. Lee: If you look closely at the back of Lincoln’s head, some swear they can see the silhouette of Robert E. Lee’s face in the hair (though the sculptor denied this).
• Verdict: You will feel the crushing weight of a nation’s history under Lincoln’s brooding granite gaze, but the view of the Reflecting Pool at night is hauntingly perfect.

Be drowned in text at the Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial

Website | Map

• What the guides say: This memorial covers 7.5 acres and is divided into four separate outdoor areas, each representing a term of the president’s time in office. It includes statues of the president and his dog, as well as several water features and walls made of red granite. It is designed to be accessible to all visitors.
• What they don’t tell you: This lengthy memorial is a series of outdoor “rooms” dedicated to a president whose four terms spanned the Depression and a world war. It is not an image but a narrative, covered in great, heavy inscriptions of his words. You are expected to read for a long time, an exhausting intellectual tribute to a man who suffered from a dreadful physical ailment.
• Go for: A sprawling, outdoor 7.5-acre room memorial that uses water and stone to tell the story of the Great Depression and WWII.
• Cost: Free.
• What to expect: The memorial is divided into four sections – one for each of FDR’s terms in office.
• Eleanor: It is one of the only presidential memorials that also honors a First Lady (Eleanor Roosevelt) with a dedicated statue.
• Verdict: Prepare for an exhausting intellectual pilgrimage through 7.5 acres of heavy text and stone.

Examine the utter chaos of the National Museum of American History

Website | Map

• What the guides say: This institution is dedicated to the preservation of the social and cultural artifacts of the United States. It contains items such as the flag that inspired the national anthem and the portable wooden desk utilized by Thomas Jefferson during the composition of the Declaration of Independence. One may also view the various formal dresses worn by First Ladies at inaugural celebrations, which serve as a textile record of the nation’s history.
• What they don’t tell you: This enormous repository is less a museum and more a bewildering attic of the nation, housing everything from the enormous, faded banner that inspired the national anthem to a vast collection of dreary household appliances. The sheer, terrifying quantity of stuff accumulated by a nation that values relentless acquisition is enough to induce a panic attack. One is left with the dreadful feeling that human endeavor is merely the production of objects to be stored indefinitely.  
• Go for: The original Star-Spangled Banner, the First Ladies’ inaugural gowns, and Dorothy’s Ruby Slippers.
• Cost: Free.
• Planning Tip: The Star-Spangled Banner is in a light-sensitive chamber where photos are strictly prohibited.
• Collection: You can see the actual Kitchen of the Future from the 1950s and the original table where the Appomattox Surrender was signed.
• Best Time: Weekday mornings, right when it opens at 10:00 AM.
• Verdict: It is a terrifying attic of a nation obsessed with relentless acquisition, but you must subject yourself to the crowds to see the original Star-Spangled Banner.

Seek shelter in the crypt of the Washington National Cathedral

Website | Map

• What the guides say: This is a very large house of worship built in a style intended to mimic medieval European architecture, a task that required 83 years of labor. The grounds include a garden designed for quiet walking and a variety of intricate limestone figures intended to divert rainwater.
• What they don’t tell you: This enormous, Gothic-inspired building, which took 83 years to complete, is the sixth-largest cathedral in the world, a truly exhausting fact. But the real, chilling treat is found in the lower levels: a crypt holding the remains of various unsettling figures and a gift shop. It is a sobering experience to stand in a place dedicated to solemn contemplation and realize that even the most sacred structures cannot escape the urge to sell small, unnecessary trinkets. 
• Go for: Breathtaking Neo-Gothic architecture, stunning stained glass, and incredible views from the highest point in D.C.
• Cost: Guided and self-guided tours start at approximately $17. 
• Darth Vader: Keep an eye out for the Darth Vader gargoyle high up on the northwest tower, an architectural prank that suggests even the most serious enterprises harbor a dreadful sense of humor.
• Best Time: Sunday services (free to enter) or during an organ recital to hear the 10,647-pipe Great Organ.
• Space Window: The Space Window contains a piece of lunar rock brought back by Apollo 11.
• Verdict: The Gothic grandeur masks a creepy crypt and a Darth Vader gargoyle, but paying the price for the views from the city’s highest point is a sacred duty.

Waste your time at the National Building Museum

Website | Map | Tickets

• What the guides say: Located within a building originally used for the distribution of military pensions, this museum examines the subjects of engineering and architectural design. Its central hall contains eight very tall columns made of brick and plaster painted to resemble marble, which are among the largest of their kind. The museum frequently utilizes this vast space for large-scale displays that visitors are often permitted to enter.
• What they don’t tell you: This institution is dedicated to the very serious business of buildings, which are, in most of my experience, little more than temporary structures in which regrettable things occur, such as ill-advised business deals or fires. A museum devoted to them seems like a perfect waste of one’s time. 
• Go for: The massive Great Hall with 75-foot-tall Corinthian columns and interactive exhibits on architecture.
• Cost: Approximately $10 (Great Hall is free to enter, fee is for galleries).
• Planning Tip: Check their schedule for the Summer Block Party installations – they often turn the hall into a giant ball pit or maze.
• Photography: The Great Hall is one of the most Instagram-famous spots in D.C. for its sheer scale and symmetry.
• Original Use: The building was originally the Pension Building, and the frieze around the exterior features 1,200 figures of Civil War soldiers.
• Verdict: A museum dedicated to buildings seems like a perfect waste of time, but the Great Hall’s massive 75-foot columns are an Instagram spectacle you can’t skip.

Observe the stoic posture of a man who has clearly seen too much woe at the Ulysses S. Grant Memorial

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• What the guides say: Situated near the base of the hill where the Capitol stands, this monument is one of the largest bronze equestrian sculptures in existence. It depicts General Grant atop a horse, flanked by scenes of soldiers and artillery in the midst of combat. The sculpture is intended to represent the difficult nature of the conflict that occurred between the northern and southern states.
• What they don’t tell you: A large and imposing statue of a man who was, by all accounts, as melancholic and complicated as I am. He stares out over the city with the look of someone who knows he has seen too much, which, in a city of perpetual misfortune, is a look you will quickly grow used to wearing yourself.
• Go for: One of the largest equestrian statues in the world, located at the base of Capitol Hill.
• Cost: Free.
• Photography: The bronze statues of the cavalry charging are incredibly detailed – get close-up shots of the horses’ strained expressions.
• The Artist: It took the sculptor, Henry Merwin Shrady, 20 years to complete; he actually died just two weeks before its dedication.
• Best Time: Sunset, when the bronze glows against the backdrop of the Reflection Pool.
• Verdict: Grant’s bronze expression of profound woe is a mood you will quickly adopt, making this melancholic statue the most honest monument on the Mall.

Stand in uncomfortable proximity to the White House

Website | Map

• What the guides say: This structure has functioned as the residence and place of business for every American president except for the first one. Obtaining entry for a tour requires a great deal of advance planning and communication with a government official, though many individuals simply observe the building from the nearby public squares. It remains a primary symbol of the country’s executive leadership.
• What they don’t tell you: The Executive Mansion is, perhaps, the most recognizable building in the country, yet one is usually permitted only a distant glimpse through an imposing fence. It is a grand symbol of open government that is, in reality, heavily guarded and profoundly inaccessible.
• Go for: The most famous address in the world and the seat of the U.S. Executive Branch.
• Cost: Free (but requires a background check and advance booking).
• Planning Tip: You must request a tour through your Member of Congress 21 to 90 days in advance. How to contact your Member of Congress.
• Photography: For the best view without a ticket, head to Lafayette Square (Map) or the Ellipse (Map).
• Best Time: Early morning to beat the crowds of protesters and tourists at the North Fence.
• Verdict: It is a symbol of open government that remains profoundly guarded and inaccessible, but standing at the North Fence is the ultimate DC checkbox.

Suspicion, Seclusion, & Intellectual Vexation

These attractions are either intentionally confusing, promote paranoia, or deal with dense, abstract subjects, forcing the visitor into an intellectually taxing or unsettling state.

Embrace paranoia at the International Spy Museum

Website | Map | Tickets

• What the guides say: This facility explores the history of secret intelligence through the use of high-tech displays and a collection of unusual objects. Visitors are provided with a fictional identity and may test their ability to perform tasks related to espionage. The museum contains items such as umbrellas that double as weapons and hidden cameras, illustrating the methods used by clandestine agencies.
• What they don’t tell you: For those with an unhealthy fascination for secrets, betrayals, and the general unpleasantness of covert operations, this museum offers a truly unsettling educational experience. Here, you can examine the dubious instruments of espionage – poison darts hidden in umbrellas, minuscule cameras, and gadgets that would make any sensible person worry about the intentions of their neighbors. It is a place that confirms all your worst fears about the shadowy figures who, unbeknownst to you, are likely tracking your every move. As the true believers say, the truth is out there – and it’s probably unpleasant. 
• Go for: High-tech gadgets, James Bond cars, and an Undercover Mission where you test your own spying skills.
• Cost: Approximately $25 – $35. You will find the least egregious prices online, up to 60 days in advance of your visit. 
• Planning Tip: Give yourself at least 2 – 3 hours; the exhibits are highly interactive and time-consuming.
• Superlative: The museum was founded by a former code-breaker and features the largest collection of international espionage artifacts on public display.
• Best Time: Late afternoon on a weekday to avoid school groups.
• Verdict: Succumb to total paranoia as you examine poison umbrellas and hidden cameras; it’s an expensive way to confirm that everyone is likely tracking your movements.

Visit the Mansion on O Street

Website | Map | Tickets

• What the guides say: This location consists of several connected houses that contain numerous hidden doorways and secret paths. It serves multiple purposes as a museum, a place to sleep, and a club where the majority of the objects on display may be purchased. Moving through the building is a complicated process that resembles navigating a labyrinth.
• What they don’t tell you: This is not a proper house or a proper museum, but rather a bewildering labyrinth of interconnected townhouses, packed with so much bizarre, mismatched memorabilia and so many secret doors that you are more likely to get lost than to gain any kind of cultural insight. It is a place dedicated to the principle that too much of a strange thing is the right amount, and it is a perfect spot for those who enjoy the feeling of being perpetually outwitted by architecture. 
• Go for: A labyrinthine hotel and museum with 60 legendary rooms, 32 concealed passages, and eclectic memorabilia.
• Cost: Starts around $40 for a self-guided search for secret doors.
• Planning Tip: Almost everything in the mansion is for sale. If you see a book or a lamp you like, you can probably buy it.
• Rosa Parks: Rosa Parks was a frequent guest and lived here for a time.
• Photography: The Log Cabin room and the John Lennon suite offer some of the most surreal photo ops in the city.
• Verdict: It is a bewildering labyrinth of secret doors and mismatched junk where you will surely get outwitted by the architecture; go anyway to get lost.

Marvel at the unsettling narratives of the Planet Word Museum

Website | Map | Tickets

• What the guides say: Housed in a historical school building, this is a museum where the exhibits respond to the sound of the human voice. It includes a very large wall of words that can speak and a library where books appear to function in an unusual manner. The institution is designed to demonstrate how language is used to communicate ideas and influence the world.
• What they don’t tell you: A museum dedicated entirely to the peculiar complexities and sheer oddity of human language. Located in a historic school, this establishment is filled with interactive exhibits that speak, whisper, and generally attempt to engage you in the frustrating business of communication. It is a place that will remind you that words, for all their utility, are often used to confuse, obscure, and generally make a dreadful mess of human affairs. 
• Go for: A voice-activated museum dedicated to language, featuring a 22-foot-tall Talking Wall.
• Cost: Free (Suggested donation, but timed-entry tickets are required).
• Planning Tip: Make sure to visit the Library – the books literally come to life with light and sound when you place them on the tables.
• Photography: The Luminous Woods exhibit is a neon-lit dream for colorful, abstract photos.
• Alexander Graham Bell: It is located in the historic Franklin School, where Alexander Graham Bell sent his first wireless photophone message.
• Verdict: A voice-activated schoolhouse filled with whispering walls that highlight the messiness of human communication; the interactive library is a neon dream.

Seek the untrustworthy at the National Law Enforcement Museum

Website | Map

• What the guides say: This museum is located primarily beneath the surface of the ground and provides information regarding the history of police work. It features simulations of emergency phone calls and laboratories used for examining evidence. The purpose of the facility is to provide a detailed look at the evolution of laws and the technology used to enforce them.
• What they don’t tell you: Dedicated to the often unpleasant business of upholding the law, this museum provides a glossy, unnervingly enthusiastic account of a profession built on suspicion, danger, and the inevitable failures of the social contract. It is a place that reminds you of how close, at all times, the forces of order and chaos truly are. 
• Go for: A walk in the shoes of officers, featuring forensics labs and a high-stakes training simulator.
• Cost: Approximately $22.
• Location: The museum is located mostly underground, beneath the Judiciary Square plaza.
• Danger: Don’t miss the 1970s-era Officers Under Fire exhibit for a perspective on the dangers of the job.
• Fallen Officers: The Wall of Honor is a moving architectural tribute to fallen officers.
• Verdict: A glossy, underground account of the thin line between order and chaos; go to experience the high-stakes simulators of a very stressful profession.

Gaze upon the brutality of the Hirshhorn Museum

Website | Map

• What the guides say: This museum of modern art is housed in a building shaped like a large concrete ring with a hollow center. It displays a variety of contemporary works that are often described as thought-provoking. Outside, there is a garden containing sculptures by several famous artists, providing a location for walking away from the noise of the street.
• What they don’t tell you: This museum of modern and contemporary art is housed in a large, unyielding concrete cylinder – a brutalist donut of architecture that seems to actively repel the passerby. The artworks within are often confusing, provoking, and intentionally unpleasant, forcing the viewer to confront the dreadful, bewildering landscape of the contemporary human mind. 
• Go for: Contemporary and modern art housed in a unique doughnut-shaped concrete building.
• Cost: Free.
• Photography: The outdoor Sculpture Garden (across Jefferson Dr) is a playground for photographers, especially the Wish Tree by Yoko Ono (Map).
• Architecture: The building is raised on four massive pedestals to allow people to walk under the museum into the central plaza.
• Verdict: A brutalist concrete donut filled with modern art designed to repel the passerby and provoke the mind; the outdoor Wish Tree is a necessary detour.

Explore the mechanics of bad news at the National Postal Museum

Website | Map

• What the guides say: Located in a former post office building, this museum chronicles the history of how messages have been transported across the country. It contains older vehicles used for mail delivery, such as airplanes and horse-drawn carriages, and a very large collection of postage stamps. The exhibits demonstrate how the mail service helped to connect people as the nation grew larger.
• What they don’t tell you: A museum dedicated to the post, which is a system of transporting small, rectangular packages that often bring news of fires, tragic accidents, or the impending arrival of truly dreadful politicians. It is a museum of delay, disappointment, and miscommunication. 
• Go for: Rare stamps, historic mail planes, and the story of Owney, the railway mail dog.
• Cost: Free.
• Location: Located right next to Union Station, making it a perfect first or last stop if you’re traveling by train.
• Photography: The central atrium features full-sized historic planes suspended from the ceiling.
• Interactive: You can use a kiosk to create your own digital stamp with your face on it.
• Verdict: A celebration of a system that mostly delivers bad news and bills, but the historic planes suspended in the atrium are surprisingly spectacular.

Verticality, Insignificance, & Displaced Objects

This category focuses on structures built for unnecessary height or on items removed from their proper context, leading to a feeling of insignificance or historical displacement.

Attend to the ponderous columns at the National Arboretum

Website | Map

• What the guides say: This is a 446-acre area used for the study of trees and plants. It contains 22 original stone columns that were removed from the Capitol building during a previous renovation. It also features a collection of very small, ancient trees known as bonsai and penjing, some of which have lived for several hundred years.
• What they don’t tell you: The National Arboretum is a vast expanse of well-tended foliage – a natural wonder, one might say. But in a strange pocket of the grounds, you will find a sight that defies logic: the original Corinthian columns from the U.S. Capitol Building. These massive, forgotten relics, which once supported the heavy burden of American governance, now stand in a field, surrounded by flowers, having been discarded because they were not sufficiently sturdy. You will also find the Grove of State Trees, dedicated to housing a tree representing each state – a collection of disparate, often ill-suited species forced to grow together in a patch of ground far from their native soil. It is a botanical metaphor for a complicated union, and is far more unsettling than any mere forest. 
• Go for: The Capitol Columns (22 original sandstone columns from the U.S. Capitol) and the National Bonsai & Penjing Museum.
• Cost: Free.
• Photography: The Capitol Columns standing in a meadow are arguably the most epic photo spot in the entire D.C. area.
• Best Time: Late spring for the azaleas or fall for the foliage.
• Planning Tip: It is huge (446 acres) and not near a Metro station; it’s best to drive or use a rideshare.
• Verdict: Original Capitol columns discarded in a field create a bizarre, epic landscape that serves as a perfect botanical metaphor for a complicated union.

Observe the unwavering gaze of the Albert Einstein Memorial

Website | Map

• What the guides say: This bronze statue depicts a well-known physicist sitting in a casual manner in a grove of trees. He is shown holding a paper inscribed with three of his most famous mathematical equations, including E=mc². The base of the monument features a map of the stars as they appeared on a specific date in 1979, created using more than 2,700 metal studs.
• What they don’t tell you: Off the Mall, somewhat secluded, sits a colossal bronze statue of the physicist, holding a paper with equations on it, looking eternally pensive. It is a monument to genius, but the size of the statue – far larger than life – suggests a level of hero-worship that is nearly religious. You are invited to sit on its knee, an act of unsettling familiarity with a man whose work you almost certainly do not understand.
• Go for: A giant, bronze statue of Einstein sitting in a grove of trees.
• Cost: Free.
• Accoustics: Stand in the center of the circular star map at Einstein’s feet – it’s an acoustic sweet spot where your voice will echo back to you.
• Location: It’s tucked away on the grounds of the National Academy of Sciences, right across the street from the Vietnam Veterans Memorial.
• Fun Fact: The map at his feet shows the positions of the planets, sun, moon, and stars exactly as they were on the day the memorial was dedicated in 1979.
• Verdict: A larger-than-life bronze statue that invites you to sit on its knee; climb into his lap to confront a genius whose work you will never understand.

Contemplate the end of time at the Washington Monument

Website | Map | Tickets

• What the guides say: This is a tall stone obelisk that stands 555 feet in height, making it a prominent feature of the city’s skyline. It was built to honor the first president, and one may notice a change in the color of the stone where construction was halted for several years. An elevator allows people to travel to the top to see the surrounding area from a great height.
• What they don’t tell you: This towering marble obelisk stands as a needle of uncomfortable symbolism, a perfectly vertical point of historical reverence that does nothing more than point to the sky. To ride the elevator to the top is an act of unnecessary verticality, offering a panoramic view that merely confirms the depressing grid of the city below and the vast, unforgiving emptiness above. It is a monument to a man who, like all of us, is now merely a memory. 
• Go for: The world’s tallest stone structure and obelisk, offering 360-degree views of the capital.
• Cost: Free (but requires a $1 advance reservation fee online).
• Planning Tip: Tickets are released 30 days in advance at 10:00 AM; they vanish in seconds, so be ready. Additional tickets are released online the day before your visit, and a limited number of same-day tickets will be available at the Washington Monument Lodge starting at 8:45 a.m.
• Color Change: Look closely about one-third of the way up; the stone changes color. Construction was halted during the Civil War, and the quarry used later had a slightly different shade of silt.
• Photography: For a unique perspective, shoot the reflection of the monument from the far end of the Constitution Gardens pond (Map).
• Verdict: An act of unnecessary verticality that offers a panoramic view of the city’s depressing grid; secure your ticket early to endure the elevator ride.

Peer into the darkness of the National Air and Space Museum

Website | Map | Tickets

• What the guides say: This museum contains a significant collection of objects related to the history of aviation and travel beyond the Earth’s atmosphere. Notable items include the first airplane to achieve flight and the vessel used to return astronauts from the moon.
• What they don’t tell you: This museum celebrates humanity’s unsettling compulsion to leave the solid ground, housing relics of terrifying speed and precarious flight. Here, you can stand beneath the monstrous engines of past rockets, contemplating the truly dreadful power required to break the surly bonds of earth. It is a tribute to a reckless ambition that, like Icarus, always seems destined for a calamitous, fiery end. 
• Go for: The Wright Brothers’ flyer, the Apollo 11 command module, and the history of aviation.
• Cost: Free (Timed entry passes are strictly required and can be obtained online).
• Planning Tip: It is currently undergoing a multi-year renovation; many galleries may be closed, so check the website for current open exhibits.
• Best Time: If you have a car, visit the Udvar-Hazy Center (the sister museum) near Dulles Airport to see the Space Shuttle Discovery and a Blackbird spy plane (Website | Map).
• Photography: The Milestones of Flight hall offers dramatic overhead shots of suspended spacecraft.
• Verdict: A tribute to humanity’s reckless ambition to leave the ground; stand beneath the monstrous rockets and contemplate our inevitable, fiery curiosity.

Be overwhelmed by scale at the National Museum of Natural History

Website | Map

• What the guides say: This is one of the most frequently visited museums in the world and contains more than 145 million individual items. It features a very large blue diamond, a massive preserved elephant, and a collection of bones from extinct creatures. The exhibits are intended to provide a record of the history of the planet and the various forms of life that have inhabited it.
• What they don’t tell you: This museum is a monument to the staggering scale and horrifying indifference of the universe, filled with dinosaur skeletons that mock the brevity of human existence and diamonds of such unsettling purity that they inspire only avarice. The sheer amount of ancient, dead material is a visceral reminder of one’s own fleeting, biological insignificance. 
• Go for: The 45-carat Hope Diamond, the Hall of Fossils (Dinosaurs), and the giant African Elephant in the rotunda.
• Cost: Free.
• Photography: The Butterfly Pavilion is an extra-fee exhibit but offers incredible macro-photography opportunities with live butterflies.
• Collection: The museum’s collection contains over 145 million specimens – only a tiny fraction is on display.
• Best Time: Late afternoon on weekdays; the morning is often dominated by school field trips. 
• Verdict: A visceral reminder of your own biological insignificance among 145 million dead things; see the Hope Diamond and feel the cold indifference of time.

Commerce, Art, & Manufactured Pleasure

These entries address the city’s commercial and artistic side, highlighting the vanity of human endeavor, the problem of cost, and the superficiality of consumerism or manufactured beauty.

Dine at Ben’s Chili Bowl

Website | Map

• What the guides say: This business has been located on U Street since 1958 and is known for a specific type of sausage covered in chili. It has functioned as a gathering place for the community during significant social movements and is often visited by well-known individuals. The building features large paintings on its exterior walls that depict various historical figures.
• What they don’t tell you: To truly experience the peculiar history of the U Street Corridor, you must consume one of the notoriously greasy Half-Smokes – a smoked, half-pork, half-beef sausage of dubious origins, smothered in a chili that is a closely-guarded family secret (a clear sign it contains something best left unknown). This establishment, a local landmark, has survived riots and recessions, proving that a truly dreadful and compelling meal is sometimes more enduring than grand ideals.
• Go for: The legendary Chili Half-Smoke and a taste of D.C.’s Black Broadway history.
• Cost: Approximately $7 – $15.
• Photography: The mural on the side of the building featuring iconic African American figures is one of the most famous street art spots in the city.
• Riots: This was a regular hangout for Martin Luther King Jr., and it was one of the few businesses to remain open during the 1968 riots.
• Location: The original U Street location is the one to visit for the history; there are outposts elsewhere, but they don’t have the same vibe.
• Verdict: Consume a notoriously greasy Half-Smoke in a building that survived riots; it proves a compelling meal is more enduring than grand ideals.

Exchange excessive sums of money for temporary disappointment at Union Market

Website | Map

• What the guides say: This facility, formerly a wholesale food terminal in the 1930s, currently functions as a large hall for the sale of specialized food and beverages. It contains dozens of individual vendors selling items such as oysters, tacos prepared with Korean ingredients, and ice cream made by local artisans. The surrounding district is notable for its exterior wall paintings and elevated bars located on the roofs of buildings.
• What they don’t tell you: A large, noisy building filled with what people call artisanal cuisine, which is a sophisticated phrase that simply means expensive food that will likely disappoint you. Like many brightly lit, overly cheerful places, it is a monument to distraction – a desperate attempt to mask the general gloom of existence with the fleeting pleasure of a gourmet pickle.
• Go for: A gourmet food hall featuring dozens of local vendors, from high-end oysters to Ethiopian tacos.
• Cost: Free entry; variable for food.
• Best Time: Weekend mornings for a lively atmosphere, or Friday nights for a social dinner scene.
• Photography: Head to the rooftop (Hi-Lawn) for colorful turf, picnic vibes, and a view of the surrounding NoMa neighborhood.
• Bookstore: Check out Politics and Prose (the satellite bookstore) inside for a curated selection of D.C.-centric reads.
• Verdict: A noisy monument to artisanal distraction where expensive pickles mask the general gloom of existence; the rooftop views are the only true bargain.

Walk through streets that smell distinctly of both nostalgia and crippling expense in Georgetown

Map

• What the guides say: Established in 1751, this neighborhood existed before the city of Washington was founded. Its streets are paved with rounded stones and are lined with expensive shops and houses built in the Federal style. One may walk along a historical canal or visit the local university. It is also a location where individuals frequently wait in lines to purchase cupcakes.
• What they don’t tell you: An area of the city known for its historic homes and expensive shops. The former reminds us that time marches on, leaving behind only crumbling plaster and regrettable memories, and the latter reminds us that a certain class of person always manages to afford new things, even as others are left with nothing but the tattered remains of their former lives.
• Go for: Upscale shopping, cobblestone streets, and the charming waterfront.
• Cost: Free to walk.
• Planning Tip: Sustain yourself with a treat from Georgetown Cupcake (Map).
• Best Time: Sunset at the Georgetown Waterfront Park for views of the Key Bridge and the Kennedy Center.
• Kennedy: John F. Kennedy lived in several different houses in Georgetown during his time as a Senator.
• Verdict: The cobblestones and cupcakes smell of nostalgia and crippling expense, reminding you that time marches on while leaving some with nothing but memories.

Reopen old wounds with an unnecessarily beautiful depiction of sorrow at the National Gallery of Art

Website | Map

• What the guides say: This institution consists of two separate buildings connected by an underground passage featuring a sculpture made of light. The West Building contains older European and American paintings, including the only work by Leonardo da Vinci available for public viewing in the Americas. The East Building, designed by I.M. Pei, is dedicated to modern art, and the grounds include an outdoor garden populated by various sculptures.
• What they don’t tell you: A large, marble repository for paintings and sculptures. If you are lucky, you may find a painting that reminds you of your lost love, which will instantly turn your visit into a thoroughly miserable experience. Art is merely a record of human vanity and sorrow, frozen onto a canvas for all to ignore. 
• Go for: The only Leonardo da Vinci painting in the Americas and the breathtaking East Building architecture.
• Cost: Free.
• Planning Tip: Don’t miss the Sculpture Garden across the street, especially the Typewriter Eraser sculpture.
• Photography: The underground moving walkway (Leo Villareal’s Multiverse) between the East and West Buildings is a neon-lit light show perfect for video.
• East Versus West: The West Building is neoclassical and traditional, while the East Building (designed by I.M. Pei) is all sharp angles and modern art.
• Verdict: A marble repository for human vanity and sorrow; walk the neon underground tunnel to find a painting that will surely reopen all your old wounds.

Be temporarily blinded by the United States Botanic Garden

Website | Map

• What the guides say: Located near the base of the hill where the Capitol stands, this is one of the oldest botanical institutions in North America. It features a large glass conservatory that houses various environments, such as a jungle and a desert. One may also visit a specific exhibit concerning Fierce Flora, which details the methods plants use to defend themselves from being consumed.
• What they don’t tell you: This glass-enclosed edifice is a large, humid prison for plants, forcing exotic flora into an unnatural environment steps from the dreary political climate of the Capitol. The sudden blast of heat and moisture upon entering the conservatory is an alarming shock to the system, a forceful reminder that nature, when not being indifferent, can be oppressively overwhelming. Therefore, admission is free and no tickets are required.
• Go for: A lush, tropical oasis in the middle of the city with a massive glass conservatory.
• Cost: Free.
• Best Time: The holiday season (December) for their incredible Season’s Greenings display featuring D.C. landmarks made of plants.
• Photography: The Jungle Room has a catwalk that lets you take photos from the canopy level.
• Superlative: It is the oldest continuously operating botanic garden in the United States.
• Verdict: A humid glass prison for exotic flora that provides an alarming shock to the system; visit the jungle catwalk to be safely overwhelmed by nature.

Endure the grandeur of the National Portrait Gallery and Smithsonian American Art Museum

National Portrait Gallery Website | Smithsonian American Art Museum Website | Map

• What the guides say: These two museums are housed in a single historical building that features a central courtyard covered by a glass roof. The facility contains the only complete collection of portraits of American presidents, as well as modern art and objects made by self-taught individuals. It is often less crowded than the museums located directly on the National Mall.
• What they don’t tell you: Housed together in a glorious Greek Revival building that was once the U.S. Patent Office, this museum holds the nation’s official, and often unsettling, collection of Presidential visages. To gaze upon the succession of serious, troubled, and occasionally manic faces is to confront the terrifying continuity of American leadership. The sheer volume of oil paint and marble dedicated to these individuals is a chilling testament to the vanity of public life. 
• Go for: The Presidential Portrait Gallery (including the famous Obama portraits) and the stunning Kogod Courtyard.
• Cost: Free.
• Planning Tip: This museum is open later than most Mall museums (until 7:00 PM), making it a great after-hours stop.
• Photography Tip: The Kogod Courtyard’s wavy glass ceiling is an architectural marvel – the reflections on the thin layer of water on the floor are stunning.
• Fun Fact: The building served as a hospital during the Civil War, and Walt Whitman used to visit wounded soldiers here.
• Verdict: Gaze upon the troubled, serious faces of the Presidents to confront the terrifying continuity of leadership; the wavy glass courtyard is an architectural marvel.

Find dreadful beauty at the Dumbarton Oaks Gardens

Website | Map | Tickets

• What the guides say: This estate in the upper section of Georgetown features ten acres of gardens designed by Beatrix Farrand. The landscape is divided into several rooms separated by stone walls and plant life. 
• What they don’t tell you: Hidden within the venerable neighborhood of Georgetown, this historic estate contains a set of meticulously planned and cultivated gardens. They are almost too beautiful, arranged in terraced levels and manicured to an unnerving degree of perfection. It is a demonstration of human control over nature that feels inherently unnatural and slightly oppressive, as if the very leaves are straining under the weight of their own design. 
• Go for: Hidden, terrace-style gardens in Georgetown that feel like a secret European estate.
• Cost: Regular season admission to the gardens is approximately $15. Admission in the winter is free, though online advanced reservations are still required.
• Planning Tip: The gardens have limited seasonal hours so check before you go.
• Best Time: Early April for the wisteria or Cherry Hill blooms.
• Photography: The Pebble Garden features intricate stone mosaics that look incredible from an overhead angle.
• Verdict: Ten acres of unnerving perfection and manicured design that feel slightly oppressive, but you should visit this European-style estate regardless.

Gaze upon the fruits of historical misdeeds at the National Museum of Asian Art / National Museum of African Art

Museum of Asian Art Website | Museum of Asian Art Map | Museum of African Art Website | Museum of African Art Map

• What the guides say: These two museums are located primarily beneath the surface of the earth and are connected by a tunnel. The museum dedicated to Asian art contains a room decorated in a specific style called the Peacock Room, while the museum for African art displays works from across the African continent. Both offer a quiet environment for the study of global cultures.
• What they don’t tell you: These museums are filled with priceless artifacts, or alternatively, objects that some people decided were very important, and which were then stolen or purchased under duress from someone less fortunate. To view them is to meditate on the fact that true beauty is often accompanied by an unfortunate story of dispossession. 
• Go for: The Peacock Room (Asian Art) and contemporary African masterpieces.
• Cost: Free.
• Planning Tip: These two museums are connected underground. The Asian Art museum consists of the Freer and Sackler galleries.
• Photography: The Peacock Room is a masterpiece of blue-and-gold interior design; check for days when they open the shutters to let in natural light.
• Underground Art: The National Museum of African Art is almost entirely underground.
• Verdict: Priceless artifacts housed underground that tell stories of dispossession and beauty, but the Peacock Room is a masterpiece you must experience.

Stare at the dismal consequence of human selfishness at the National Zoological Park

Website | Map | Tickets

• What the guides say: Located within Rock Creek Park, this facility is a branch of the Smithsonian Institution and does not charge a fee for admission. It is currently home to more than 2,000 animals, including two giant pandas named Bao Li and Qing Bao, who recently arrived from China. 
• What they don’t tell you: The Zoo is a place where one can observe various creatures who have been snatched from their natural homes – homes that were likely ruined by the negligence of a very wealthy and short-sighted individual – and placed in small, brightly painted enclosures for the amusement of crowds. It is an excellent lesson in captivity and being locked up against your will by people who claim it is for your own good. 
• Go for: Giant Pandas (check current residency status!), elephants, and the O-Line, where orangutans swing over your head.
• Cost: Free (but a timed-entry ticket is required and can be obtained online).
• Planning Tip: The zoo is built on a hill. Start at the top (near the Cleveland Park Metro) and walk down toward the Woodley Park Metro to save your knees.
• Photography: The Amazonia exhibit provides a humid, indoor rainforest environment for tropical bird and fish shots.
• Best Time: Morning, when the animals are most active and the D.C. humidity is lower.
• Verdict: A lesson in captivity featuring creatures snatched from ruined homes for our amusement, but the giant pandas are a sight you can’t ignore.

Walk around the Tidal Basin

Map

• What the guides say: This is a man-made body of water surrounded by several monuments, including those dedicated to Thomas Jefferson and Martin Luther King, Jr. It is the primary location for viewing cherry blossoms, which typically bloom in the spring. During certain times of the year, one may rent a small boat shaped like a swan to move across the water.
• What they don’t tell you: A seemingly tranquil body of water that, upon closer inspection, is mostly a receptacle for gloom and the occasional lost shoe. It is surrounded by monuments that are far too large and flowers that are far too temporary. Like all bodies of water in a city, it only serves to reflect the indifferent, grey sky.
• Go for: The quintessential D.C. view of the Jefferson Memorial framed by water.
• Cost: Free.
• Best Time: Early morning (dawn) to avoid the thousands of tourists who flock here during peak bloom.
• Planning Tip: You can rent paddle boats to see the monuments from the water.
• Photography: During Cherry Blossom season, look for the Japanese Lantern, a gift from Japan that is older than the trees themselves (Map).
• Verdict: A man-made receptacle for grey reflections and temporary flowers, but the view of the Jefferson Memorial across the water is iconic.

Walk along the National Mall

Website | Map

• What the guides say: This is a large, grassy area extending from the Capitol building to the Lincoln Memorial. It serves as a location for public gatherings, such as protests and the inauguration of presidents. It is bordered by numerous museums and is a central geographic feature of the city, dominated by a tall stone obelisk.
• What they don’t tell you: This vast, flat, grass-covered expanse is not a charming park but a great, dusty carpet stretched between monuments. It is designed to be the stage for great, dramatic public displays – protests, inaugurations, and other spectacles of earnestness – but on an ordinary day, it is merely a lengthy, exposed walk that subjects the pedestrian to the unpredictable whims of the weather.
• Go for: The America’s Front Yard experience, stretching from the Capitol to the Lincoln Memorial.
• Cost: Free.
• Planning Tip: The Mall is much larger than it looks on a map (over 2 miles long). 
• National Park: Despite being surrounded by museums, the Mall itself is technically a National Park.
• Photography: For a grand scale shot, use a zoom lens from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial to compress the Washington Monument and Capitol into one frame.
• Verdict: A vast, dusty carpet of grass that subjects you to the whims of the weather, but this lengthy walk is the essential stage of American drama.

Be reminded that a glimmer of hope is often surrounded by a mountain of despair at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial

Website | Map

• What the guides say: The primary feature of this monument is a 30-foot-tall granite sculpture known as the Stone of Hope, which depicts Dr. King. The site is located along the edge of the Tidal Basin and features walls inscribed with many of his public statements. It is the first monument in this central area of the city to be dedicated to an African American individual.
• What they don’t tell you: A colossal figure carved from a large stone, perpetually jutting out of a larger, broken boulder, meant to represent hope emerging from despair. Hope, however, is a brittle and easily-cracked thing, and despair is an emotion that settles over you like a persistent, grey fog. It is a beautiful sentiment, but I have my doubts as to its practical longevity.
• Go for: The Stone of Hope, a massive granite statue of Dr. King emerging from a mountain.
• Cost: Free.
• Photography: Capture the statue in profile to see how it emerges from the Mountain of Despair behind it.
• Location: The address of the memorial is 1964 Independence Ave, a nod to the year the Civil Rights Act was passed.
• Best Time: At night, when the white granite is brilliantly lit and the inscription wall is peaceful.
• Verdict: Standing before this unyielding granite gaze reminds you that hope is a heavy burden, but the Stone of Hope is a mandatory stop.

And so we come to the end of our somber tour of this peculiar and marble-laden city. If you have completed your journey with a feeling of profound melancholy and an overwhelming urge to sit down, then you have understood the true nature of Washington, D.C. It is a city of grand ideas and sorrowful realities, a place where every victory is built on a foundation of difficult and complicated events. I can only hope that you are now safely back at home, a place where the most pressing political issue is what to have for dinner. For a person of a sensitive and discerning disposition, Washington, D.C., is a city best observed from a great distance, with a feeling of profound relief that you are not there.

Further Reading

If one is in search of a less dreadful and more pleasant perspective on Washington, D.C., a number of additional resources exist. These are, of course, presented with the understanding that such information is often a mere sugarcoating on a very bitter pill, and should be consumed with a healthy dose of suspicion. 

• Destination DC
• National Park Service – Washington, D.C.
• Smithsonian Institution
• “One day in Washington, DC” by Day Tripping USA
• “DC Delights: A 5-Day Travel Diary of Washington, DC” by Bookish Wayfarer
• “36 Hours in Washington, D.C.: Things to Do and See” from the New York Times (paywall)